Benjamin Hovest was the first person I met when I moved to Chicago in 2009, and I think if not for him, I would not be living in this city today. You could not have asked for a better person to welcome you to the city. He was always easy going, full of life, and was never judgmental of your opinions or beliefs. That’s why he quickly moved from being a person who served me drinks at bar, to a loyal best friend I considered a member of my family.

It will have been 8 years ago in June that I lost my brother and best friend. It remains the only day in my life I would give anything to have back.

I came home on a Sunday night, taking the backway to mine and Ben’s apartment. As I reached the stairs, I saw a body sitting back against the wall looking as if they were asleep. As I went to press my hand against the body to wake them up, they were not moving and I knew something was not right. I quickly moved away and back in the alley as I realized the body was one that was not alive. Although it was dark, and I did not try to make out the face, I knew in the back of my mind that it was Ben.

My fear became a reality after the police identified that it was Ben. I remember the rest of night whether it was calling his family or just answering questions for law enforcement, that I never cried. Even as  I laid on my couch that night, I never cried. I had no idea until years later that I was in a traumatic shock. I just could not believe someone like Ben would ever take his life.

I woke up that next day,  not having any feeling at all. Inside and outside I was empty. If not for my mother scheduling an appointment with a therapist that day, I am not sure what I would have done. But, I went, and continued to go that whole summer as shared my feelings of guilt that it was my fault for what happen to Ben. PTSD in US veterans at that time was a subject that was still new, and without the proper resources. It wasn’t until around the fall of that year that I started to understand  things, and felt I was no longer alone.

When I saw that Team TAPS was a charity options for running the New York Marathon, I knew it was the best organization for me. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to go through what I did after losing a loved one who served our country. While there is no quick fix for one’s loss (even though I am at a better place today, I know I will never be fully healed from this tragedy), TAPS provides the resources 24hrs a day for those feeling the same grief I had. I wish I had known about TAPS 8 years ago.

It will be honor not just running for him, but for an organization that helps those like myself who have lost their own Ben.